1. There will be several days that you daydream about stepping in front of a city bus. Don’t. It will not be beautiful. It will not be brave. It will be selfish. It will be broken. Your mother will cry.
2. Don’t write for him. Write for you. Write for others like you. Write so the girl that thinks about stepping in front of public transportation doesn’t. Don’t be selfish.
3. When you will yourself to sleep and it doesn’t come- get up. It doesn’t matter that it’s 3 am. There will be other 3 am’s. Take a shower. Take two. Wash him out of your hair. Write a poem. Read the same book you’ve read 202 times again. The 203rd time might tell you something different. Don’t stay in bed- you will think about the bus again.
4. Don’t kiss him because he’s broken. Don’t kiss him because his laughter never reaches his eyes. Don’t try and fix him. Fix yourself first. Be selfish. He can’t save you.
5. Date yourself. Take yourself out to eat. Don’t share your popcorn at the movies with anyone. Stroll around an art museum alone. Fall in love with canvases. Fall in love with yourself.
6. Dress up and wear red lipstick and get drunk with your friends. They’re the ones that will pick you up. Don’t kiss him. Or him. Don’t fall asleep on strange couches with strange boys. When his hand slides up your dress walk away. Hit him. Don’t kiss him. He can’t save you.
7. Get another tattoo. Get five more. Get another hole in your ear. Don’t listen to your dad. You will still be able to get a job. Did you really want to be employed by someone like your father? Haven’t you had enough of judgmental old white men anyway? Get fuck you tattooed in tiny letters on your hip.
8. When you feel the yearning for a new city- start over. Take 200 bucks and a three suitcases. Work anywhere that will have you. Meet strange people and forget your name. Call yourself Ruby. No one will know the difference. Remember to call your mother. Don’t be selfish. Come home when you find yourself in the strangers and the small one bedroom apartment.
9. Don’t whisper evil things into your own ear. Other people are going to shout them at you. Be your own hero. Keep a sword on your key ring.
10. Don’t step in front of a city bus. It will not be beautiful. Live. Stay up all night with a boy that promises you everything and means it. Live. See shitty local bands with a friend. Wear a different band’s t-shirt. No one will care. Live. Have a baby girl with tiny fingers and tiny toes someday. Pour love into her until it’s overflowing. Live. Wake up. Staying in bed all day is not poetic.
Do you hear that? It’s me. It’s your life. Wake up."
— I feel that this should be handed out in schools. Beautiful writing, beautiful message.
And I’ve got to say, I didn’t like it, I find it hard to enjoy a book in which I despise the main character, in fact, every character in the book seemed to bring about their abject misery by simply being selfish.
At the end of the book I kind of hoped Eva would simply starve to death. I kind of hate my own brain for feeling like that.
I used to do care work for a woman who was much like Eva, except she had been in bed for 5 years and her muscles had wasted from lack of movement.
Though I really got on with her and often popped in for social visits to keep her company, I often resented her, maybe I was jealous, mostly I just resented that I had to wipe her bum 4 times a day when she could have simply got up and walked to the toilet a mere 10 feet from her bed.
It was a weird stomach churning kind of resentment, I don’t think I’ve ever felt like that about another person before (well, not one that hadnt personally hurt me in some way) Obviously I never acted meanly, but sometimes I wanted to. Sometimes I wanted to wheel her bed into the kitchen and tell her to make her own fucking dinner (generally after the woman had asked for her 6th or 7th meal that day in a horrendously rude, petulant tone) Sometimes she would tell me to ‘Fucking hurry up’ whilst I was changing her pad, and I honestly wanted to tell her she was disgusting and that the pity and rage I felt made her feel like a malignant presence at the back of my mind, I wondered if that was why she had no visitors.. Maybe she made everyone feel like that.
I’m pretty used to abuse by some of the people I support, and It generally doesn’t bother me, I know they are angry and scared and being hurt by situations outside of their control, aside from her, it never made me mad, and it never made me think less of them as people.
I eventually asked to be put on another rota so I wouldn’t have to see her, but I still worry about the fact that there was someone I supported that I genuinely hated. That I’m capable of such a lack of compassion. Basically I didn’t like the book because it reminded me that I can be cold and resentful and apathetic.
Anonymous asked: That was a lovely update to read, it sounds really positive and that's awesome. It also reminded me of your derbying situation that you posted about; what decision did you come to in the end? Either way I hope that it's working out. :)
Thankyou :) I went to one of each, both teams are absolutely lovely but I decided to go for MRD, I’m not the most naturally athletic, in fact I’m pretty damn lazy, I feel training with MRD will really push me to be a better player, also I scrimmaged with them and it was loads of fun!
So I haven’t updated properly in a while.. Maybe I will start updating regularly again, life is much different now, I moved back to Manchester last week, I though I would hate it and that general social anxiety would make me a hermitty recluse, quite the opposite really, I like this feeling of independence, I like meeting new people all the time, I also like having the option of being alone when I feel like I need it. My housemates are lovely, one has a puppy, one has a pet hedgehog, and another works at Lush and has been a complete angel and has ensured I smell loverly at all times.
Not only that but I’m living completely off doing dreads, I pay my rent and my living expenses entirely out of working with my hands and the business I’ve created. A splendid feeling I’ve got to say. I dont know if I can do it forever, business may dry up, things can go wrong. But for now I’m enjoying being my own boss and it means I get to send a lot more time with Nonna.
But on the other side I miss him. I miss Hebden. I miss Buster. I miss stars. Sometimes I get pretty upset at how little I see the people I consider my best friends, and weirdly paranoid about it. Whether they get sad as much as I do that we’re not a part of each others lives.
Change is as good as the rest though, I’ve been looking after myself, cut down on pop and chocolate, running, drinking lemony water, roller derbying, yoga and megalovelywonderful housemate is providing lots of face mask/ foot mask pampering sessions. I’ve treated myself to a new ukulele. Everyday I take my vitamins when I give Daisy her joint medicine.
I have more energy and feel like a real person (excluding yesterday when I had a spliff at lunchtime and sozzled the day away) and that’s about where I’m up to with life. Though trying hard to save up to put myself on a piercing course, go see Kay in Africa,learn to drive and finally get my sleeve finished.